Human

A few months ago, I disconnected. 

Between the corporate stress, social stress, motherhood, and the road rage assault, 2018 was sucking the life out of me. Literally. My anxiety had annoyingly returned, making my already quickly irritable persona on 1000. I also learned that high-functioning depression is a real thing, and apparently I do it really well. 

Ironically, last Fall, after exchanging stories and life lessons, someone told me that he thought I was nearly perfect after years of association, and that he appreciated knowing that I was human (translation: had flaws and been through some shit). I did not receive the compliment (if that was the aim). It was never intentional for me to appear unhuman. But I had heard it before. Many mentioned how I seemed to have it all together - all figured out.

Perception (and perspective) is everything I suppose.

The truth is, the thought of "having it all figured out" makes me exhausted. The weight of that notion is depressingly heavy, and gives me a major case of anxiety and chest pains, mainly because I rarely "feel" like I have it all figured out. Most days, I feel like I'm all over the place. No one's standards, but my own, overwhelm and cause these dramatic effects. 

So after feeling like I was dangling on the edge of life, I decided to cut ties with people and tangibles (social outlets included) to get more grounded. I needed to take a breather. And social media was just another notch of unnecessary noise to my already chaotic turbulent season. I needed to re-center and re-focus. I had no energy to give and needed to be selfish and turn inward to process all of the life events that had led me to the present. I was emotionally spent. All the way tapped out. 

It's actually pretty interesting when people are shocked to learn that I have experienced certain things that are not so rosy. Because the reality is, I am human. I have stuff to work through (just like you). My experiences soften and harden me. I laugh. I cry. I feel. I commit whole-heartedly to my feelings. Everything reaches my heart way more than I would like to admit, which could probably explain the constant need to pause, lighten the load and reboot. 

I say all of this to say, community matters though. Support is necessary. People who receive your human-ess and vulnerability with genuine care are key.

Although scattered across the country, my community is pretty thorough. Thanks to my friends whose vibes run deeper than the gram', those who may not understand everything in my head but are always certain of my heart, who will call me numerous times in a day to check in and check my pulse, who encourage me, who will always give me space but not too much, and those who respect my silence.

Thanks for always being consistent to this strong (willed) friend - this human.