Protecting

These days I am readjusting my footing - realigning my energy; protecting my soul the best I can.

I have so many thoughts. So much to say. My mind is full of complicated mush and exhaustion right now.

Another murder. Another Black life taken by white racists.

We are living in sickening times - maddening even.

I haven’t watched the video of George Floyd’s murder by the Minneapolis police officers. I refuse to watch. My anxiety won’t let me. My heart won’t go for it.

Being Black in America is something else, and these times are unimaginable. Not only are Blacks having to guard their health against the Covid-19 virus, but we have to pray to God we make it home at night.

This shit is heavy as fuck.

No other way to describe it. No other way to describe how I feel looking at my five year old Black son and his pureness and wonder “He has no idea what he is up against.” No other way to describe how my Black son’s positive and supportive upbringing will have absolutely no guarantee on the regard or respect people place on his life. No other way to describe how much I want to protect my Black son with all of my might from this evil world. No other way to describe how much a Black life is seen as worthless. No other way to describe how my heart aches for those Black sons/daughters, brothers/sisters and fathers/mothers who will never make it back home. No other way to describe how I feel about the silence of the non-Black population (I see you and feel your dismissal loud and clear). No other way to describe my disgust for the system that is unjust and inhumane (and never meant to protect us). No other way to describe how much I have cried over the mishandling of my Black family, my Black friends, my Black roots and my Blackness.

And regardless of it all there is absolutely no other community or culture I’d ever want to claim. I love Black wholeheartedly. Always.

It is heavy as fuck. Still.

Minneapolis is rebelling, literally burning in outrage.

A lot is going on.

And ironically, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. And every month we are going to work and school and into this nightmare of a world moving about like we are okay. We are not.

The reality, we are smiling through the bullshit. We are trying to elevate ourselves despite the horrendous war on Black people. We are trying to protect our sanity, despite the traumatic videos. We are trying to heal, despite the weight of the pain.

We want to be okay. But we are not.

Because this is heavy as fuck.